haiku

an ego the size

of motherfucking Asia

take it down a notch

-

clock says four am

stomach begs satiation

craves tiramisu

-

when you realize

you'll always be second best

better suck it up

-

'take it like a man,'

a little bird once told me

i replied, 'sexist,'

-

uhh.. forgot the other three. will post them in a bit. :D



merry christmas!

braced, a poem

you slip into me

in assault

solid

scraping against

solid

the hot and cold

sensations

burning, dropping

inside my cheeks

stiff limbs

twisting, turning

fingers, hands

clenching, unclenching

and i can only

stare

nowhere but up

eyes trained heavily

on the ceiling

in silent prayer

at once, broken

there's a snap

and we fall quickly

into place

getting tighter

and tighter

and tighter still

until

the hour is over

and i get up

mouth aching

of rubber

and metal wires

thanks for nothing

there's a pause before

your eyes finally meet mine

and only then

does the finality in them

bear down on me

and the situation ring a bell

in my head

raucous, alarming

and i understand

where this is all going

you clear your throat

speaking words

i expect

but never want to hear

and the coldness

cuts through me

like a Swiss knife

sliding across my wrists

suddenly, slowly

drawing out fresh scarlet

as the pain sears

and i feel both

dead and alive

again

the summit, a poem

A two-year old poem. I still like it though. Sir Jason (sir Vitorillo, for those who aren't familiar) gave me a nine out of ten. and let me tell you, he is HARD to please.

the summit

---

a helpless cry resounds

roundabout, it goes

a call of hunger

of pain

of need

as the newborn is blinded

by the corruption of the world

abandoned, it is

in the midst of great heights

and rocky terrain

still too weak

still so young

is the child of the eagle eye

soon

it must learn

that life is a battlefield

with only a single rule to abide:

it is the survival of the fittest

a situation of live-or-die

a fight to keep alive

fear not, little one

for the day has just begun

and your time has yet to come

when you will soar the greatest heights

to claim the mountain lands

and be a master

a predator

a king

it is in your nature

and runs in your blood

for you alone can look into the sun

in the summit of virility

Okay, I don't mean to get sentimental and all that, but I get the feeling that this needs to be let out. Well, here goes.

---

I was rummaging through some old things the other day when I happened to stumble upon my grade school diploma and this certificate the Department of Education had awarded me with three years ago. The certificate reads,

"Junior Chamber International Philippines

in cooperation with...

...

presents this

YOUTH LEADERSHIP EXCELLENCE AWARD

to

Stephanie Paige C. Abellera

in recognition of Outstanding Academic and Co-curricular Leadership, thereby serving

as an exemplar of excellence as a youth achiever in the school and in the community.

Given this 2nd day of July, 2007."

and so on, and so forth...

I still have the gold medal that came along with it. I remember being a Freshman in high school, a mere tadpole in a big pond, when I'd received that award. I, along with four other classmates, was coaxed into going on stage in front of the whole student body to collect the sheet of parchment, and there was this exuberant feeling that was creeping up at my toes and springing up my spine as I bowed slightly at the crowd before hurrying back to my line.

I'd relished in the moment, because for a known fact, I'd deserved that award. I'd maintained straight A's during my final grade in elementary, and managed to rank fifth in our batch. Those were one of the proudest moments of my life.

When I'd entered another high school, though, things changed drastically.

I remember when I broke the news of my transfer to my friends, and they cried with me. They said that they hated to see me go, and that no matter what, the distance would not become a hindrance to our friendship, not even one bit, and I believed them.

Now, I can't say I hold the same belief. I mean, yes, there's the semi-mandatory two-hour instant messaging every weekend (or during summer, week), the occasional phone calls and once-in-a-while window shopping escapade, but nothing more. I seem to have lost in touch with most of my childhood pals. I haven't set foot on my old school for more than a year now, and it's breaking my heart. The last time I'd gone there, I felt like a complete stranger, save for the company of my friends. Things weren't much different at my present school.

The first day had been horrible. The campus was enormous compared to St. Mary's, and I'd lost my way trying to find the covered courts. Instead, I'd just followed the crowd, and wondered where they'd take me. In the end, I'd managed to squeeze in between a couple of Sophomores, although I was in the wrong section. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that the seats were arranged accordingly?

The days that progressed didn't make any difference either. I was this quiet, aloof girl, a reserved semi-mute who kept to herself. People tried talking to me, and I'd just smile and answer their questions, but almost immediately, I'd fall back into my own bubble of misery. The fact that I was utterly clueless to the current lessons didn't help very much either.

The results of the first quarter came around, and I'd been surprised to be at the top of my class at Second Honors. Not bad for a new kid, right? But that's just it. Ever since my transfer, the only thing that kept me from breaking down into a miserable pile was the proud feeling I got from my accomplishments. I know, that was rather very shallow of me. From then on, I worked, ate, slept, and worked again, all for the purpose of being at the top of my game. I'd garnered First Honors at the next quarter, and the quarter after that, and even the quarter after that.

Third year had once again put me on the pedestal when I'd been promoted to the Honors section. I'd seen the class from the sidelines before, seen how they'd worked together during inter-class competitions, how their total quality point indexes exceeded the range of ninety-five (The highest I could ever get was a ninety-three). Admittedly at first, I was intimidated. How the hell was I supposed to catch up with them? And so I resorted to my taciturn mode, working, eating, and sleeping, and working again in the hopes of being at par with them. The fruits of my labor materialized in the form of consistent Second Honors, and I knew I couldn't go any further than that, but I was satisfied.

My social life, on the other hand, was fading in the dust.

I'd talk occasionally, and I'd give my full participation during class contests and group works and the like, but I wasn't exactly getting anywhere. My classmates would try getting me out of my shell, but to no avail. I remained frigid, steadfast in becoming the class's resident loner. While everyone else would be immersed in their own groups of friends, I'd be alone in my seat, staring blankly into space and complaining silently to myself until the next teacher came in. No words could really describe my misery, but I'd brought this on myself, and I couldn't blame anyone else for my resistance to change. I was so engrossed in keeping my promise with my friends back at SMS that I'd forgotten how to make new ones.

Two weeks before I'd left St. Mary's for good, my best friend, Kring, wrote me this three-paged letter. Here's an excerpt of what she wrote.

"Don't doubt your abilities and capacity. You know yourself more than anybody else and you know that you can do anything. Don't be afraid to start again in your new school, hold your head high and make the people special like you did to me. Don't let anyone get you down and strive hard to stay as good as you are..."

I guess I'd overlooked that part.

Next school year would be my Senior year, my final year, my only year to show the world what I've got before I set my sights on much higher horizons (such as college). Now I'm determined to change the nature of my ways, to actually talk to people and let them in. I want to be that girl again, not exactly the same girl I was in elementary with the horribly tousled hair and a penchant for making boys cry, but the girl who made others smile and laugh and feel special. High school isn't forever, I realized, but I'd like to at least make it worthwhile.



And so, to the unlucky reader who'd managed to digest everything I wrote, I salute you for making it this far. I know I have, but I won't settle for it either. To my classmates, both in Rodriguez and Garate, thank you for putting up with me. Next year, I hope not to disappoint. There's a whole bunch of obstacles that lie ahead, and they come in the names of Trigonometry, El Filibusterismo, Physics, Economics, the dreaded Term Paper, the festival of Plays, and such. But until then, I'll work on trying to be that girl again.

The present is such a splendid time for change, don't you think?



:)

Paige Cruz

The Literal Romantic

Stained steel hits on linoleum 
Scarlet flows over fluidly 
Eyes dim, face pales 
Numbness seeps through me 
And my heart runneth over

Operation SUMMER

March 10, 2010

 

Oh how the days go by…

It is a quiet Thursday evening at home, and because I refuse to start on my Geometry drills, I stare blankly into space and think of the coming week before summer reigns. Oh, and just in case you didn’t know, Hell Week Part I  had just commenced last Monday, and as far as I’m concerned, I’m doing pretty well on keeping my bearings together… for the meantime. Next week means Finals, and Finals means Hell Week part II, and I’ll be studying my arse off this week, sans the proper title of HK part I. But enough about the school crap. Summer is a little over a week away, and I’m talking plans here.

 

Here’s a checklist of my To-Do list for this beautiful summer ’10:

[ ] Violin lessons

[ ] Senior Year and UPCAT Review: 1st-3rd Year subjects, Trigonometry, Basics to Term Paper writing, El Filibusterismo, Java Programming and Flash Animation, Vectoring

[ ] Fan fiction: In Consequence (re-write chapters 1-6, publish 2 new chapters), Up (publish 3-4 new chapters)

[ ] Fiction press: Doors (publish 3-4 new chapters), Brownie Points (one shot, publish date: mid-April), To My Dad in the Sky (one shot, publish date: mid-April)

[ ] Deviant Art: Photography, Vectors, Line art, Flash

[ ] Must Read: Percy Jackson and the Twelve Olympians , Tojours Provence, A Tale of Two Cities, The Prince Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The Silver Chair, The Last Battle, Pride and Prejudice

[ ] Skandar Keynes bulletin board, Obama tribute, white board (all in the fields of my closet)

[ ] Exercise: Walking, jogging, (eventually) running (track and field or footy)

[ ] Sports: Basketball, table tennis, badminton, footy, Chinese garter, dance

[ ] Calligraphy: Improve penmanship, practice shorthand (Anne Frank-esque)

[ ] Travel: Manila, Camarines Sur, Hong Kong

[ ] School: PAGASA, enrollment

[ ] Buy (books): Percy Jackson and the Twelve Olympians, The Chronicles of Narnia (5-7), Gakuen Alice volumes 1-5; (apparel): Chuck Taylors high cut (??)

[ ] Clean bedroom: practice regime – make your own bed! Maintain closet cleanliness! Weed out crap!

[ ] HIBERNATE.

Cheers,

Paige Cruz

You want wild? I'll give you wild...

Hahaha. I've been looking at some old home videos from 2008 when my cousin Sam flew in from Australia... gosh, I miss my long hair. >> my channel

Don't mock, I was thirteen. XD

---

Well, I never asked you to, but thanks for trying. I guess this is really just how I am, and no amount of cheesy one-liners and one-sided conversations is ever going to change it. Sorry.

I'm not sure whether a smiley would be appropriate and all, but whatever. :) 

---

Speaking of which, Finals are next week, and after that, SUMMER! XD