Okay, I don't mean to get sentimental and all that, but I get the feeling that this needs to be let out. Well, here goes.
---
I was rummaging through some old things the other day when I happened to stumble upon my grade school diploma and this certificate the Department of Education had awarded me with three years ago. The certificate reads,
"Junior Chamber International Philippines
in cooperation with...
...
presents this
YOUTH LEADERSHIP EXCELLENCE AWARD
to
Stephanie Paige C. Abellera
in recognition of Outstanding Academic and Co-curricular Leadership, thereby serving
as an exemplar of excellence as a youth achiever in the school and in the community.
Given this 2nd day of July, 2007."
and so on, and so forth...
I still have the gold medal that came along with it. I remember being a Freshman in high school, a mere tadpole in a big pond, when I'd received that award. I, along with four other classmates, was coaxed into going on stage in front of the whole student body to collect the sheet of parchment, and there was this exuberant feeling that was creeping up at my toes and springing up my spine as I bowed slightly at the crowd before hurrying back to my line.
I'd relished in the moment, because for a known fact, I'd deserved that award. I'd maintained straight A's during my final grade in elementary, and managed to rank fifth in our batch. Those were one of the proudest moments of my life.
When I'd entered another high school, though, things changed drastically.
I remember when I broke the news of my transfer to my friends, and they cried with me. They said that they hated to see me go, and that no matter what, the distance would not become a hindrance to our friendship, not even one bit, and I believed them.
Now, I can't say I hold the same belief. I mean, yes, there's the semi-mandatory two-hour instant messaging every weekend (or during summer, week), the occasional phone calls and once-in-a-while window shopping escapade, but nothing more. I seem to have lost in touch with most of my childhood pals. I haven't set foot on my old school for more than a year now, and it's breaking my heart. The last time I'd gone there, I felt like a complete stranger, save for the company of my friends. Things weren't much different at my present school.
The first day had been horrible. The campus was enormous compared to St. Mary's, and I'd lost my way trying to find the covered courts. Instead, I'd just followed the crowd, and wondered where they'd take me. In the end, I'd managed to squeeze in between a couple of Sophomores, although I was in the wrong section. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that the seats were arranged accordingly?
The days that progressed didn't make any difference either. I was this quiet, aloof girl, a reserved semi-mute who kept to herself. People tried talking to me, and I'd just smile and answer their questions, but almost immediately, I'd fall back into my own bubble of misery. The fact that I was utterly clueless to the current lessons didn't help very much either.
The results of the first quarter came around, and I'd been surprised to be at the top of my class at Second Honors. Not bad for a new kid, right? But that's just it. Ever since my transfer, the only thing that kept me from breaking down into a miserable pile was the proud feeling I got from my accomplishments. I know, that was rather very shallow of me. From then on, I worked, ate, slept, and worked again, all for the purpose of being at the top of my game. I'd garnered First Honors at the next quarter, and the quarter after that, and even the quarter after that.
Third year had once again put me on the pedestal when I'd been promoted to the Honors section. I'd seen the class from the sidelines before, seen how they'd worked together during inter-class competitions, how their total quality point indexes exceeded the range of ninety-five (The highest I could ever get was a ninety-three). Admittedly at first, I was intimidated. How the hell was I supposed to catch up with them? And so I resorted to my taciturn mode, working, eating, and sleeping, and working again in the hopes of being at par with them. The fruits of my labor materialized in the form of consistent Second Honors, and I knew I couldn't go any further than that, but I was satisfied.
My social life, on the other hand, was fading in the dust.
I'd talk occasionally, and I'd give my full participation during class contests and group works and the like, but I wasn't exactly getting anywhere. My classmates would try getting me out of my shell, but to no avail. I remained frigid, steadfast in becoming the class's resident loner. While everyone else would be immersed in their own groups of friends, I'd be alone in my seat, staring blankly into space and complaining silently to myself until the next teacher came in. No words could really describe my misery, but I'd brought this on myself, and I couldn't blame anyone else for my resistance to change. I was so engrossed in keeping my promise with my friends back at SMS that I'd forgotten how to make new ones.
Two weeks before I'd left St. Mary's for good, my best friend, Kring, wrote me this three-paged letter. Here's an excerpt of what she wrote.
"Don't doubt your abilities and capacity. You know yourself more than anybody else and you know that you can do anything. Don't be afraid to start again in your new school, hold your head high and make the people special like you did to me. Don't let anyone get you down and strive hard to stay as good as you are..."
I guess I'd overlooked that part.
Next school year would be my Senior year, my final year, my only year to show the world what I've got before I set my sights on much higher horizons (such as college). Now I'm determined to change the nature of my ways, to actually talk to people and let them in. I want to be that girl again, not exactly the same girl I was in elementary with the horribly tousled hair and a penchant for making boys cry, but the girl who made others smile and laugh and feel special. High school isn't forever, I realized, but I'd like to at least make it worthwhile.
And so, to the unlucky reader who'd managed to digest everything I wrote, I salute you for making it this far. I know I have, but I won't settle for it either. To my classmates, both in Rodriguez and Garate, thank you for putting up with me. Next year, I hope not to disappoint. There's a whole bunch of obstacles that lie ahead, and they come in the names of Trigonometry, El Filibusterismo, Physics, Economics, the dreaded Term Paper, the festival of Plays, and such. But until then, I'll work on trying to be that girl again.
The present is such a splendid time for change, don't you think?
:)
Paige Cruz
